My response to a question on Quora:
Linda Rappaport, Writer
Forgiveness. It’s a complex phenomena. Most of us possess a moral construct, whether it’s innate or a result of our having internalized our surrounding cultural or religious mores.
Which is a fancy way of saying we have a conscience.
We have been taught that to forgive is divine, but to err is human. So there is something telling us that we should give others the benefit of the doubt, even if they’ve wronged us egregiously.
In addition to the religious and cultural pressure to turn the other cheek, there is the subjective experience that anger and vengeance are poisonous, even to the righteous.
(I have dealt with this personally for the past three years, and have come to a place where I have realized that ridding myself of the notion that I am a victim, and desire for vengeance is more important that being “right.”)
So then why do we not bestow the same forgiveness on ourselves?
Control.
We have no control over others’s behavior. We have no control over their feelings of shame, or desire for self-improvement. But we do have some control over our own thoughts and actions. We can aim to manifest our higher selves.
Whether this is accomplished through meditation, therapy, prayer, or talking to someone you love or trust, we have some agency over our spiritual evolution.
Imagine if the opposite were true: That you forgave yourself for your wrongs, but acted vengeance upon those you believed had wronged you. You would be twisted up inside, directing your energy on something that is not yours to control, and willfully neglecting your own spiritual growth.
As long as you make forgiveness a choice, and you don’t live and identify as a victim, you are living a transcendent life. Continue to be self-reflective and honest, and you will live in peace.
Just remember, after all your work is done, to forgive yourself.
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